I don’t often keep track of quotes I truly love in books, though I do sometimes mention bits in reviews if I mention how much I like the writing. That said, when I read the TTT for this week, my mind went straight to the quotes that made me laugh, or made me smile, and most of those quotes are pretty much synonymous to anything written by the late Terry Pratchett.
This, right here, is my homage to Sir Terry, whose Discworld books will continue to make me laugh out loud with no shame whatsoever (or maybe very little if I’m sitting in the subway, but to hell with the haters!).
Top Twelve* Awesome Terry Pratchett Quotes**
A lie can run round the world before the truth has got its boots on.
He enjoyed reading and writing. He liked words. Words didn’t shout or make loud noises, which pretty much defined the rest of his family. They didn’t involve getting muddy in the freezing cold. They didn’t hunt inoffensive animals, either. They did what he told them to. So, he’d said, he wanted to write.
The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it’s as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.
If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter.
Stanley always followed the rules. All sorts of things could go wrong if you didn’t.
So far he’d done 1: Upon Discovery of the Fire, Remain Calm.
Now he’d come to 2: Shout ‘Fire!’ in a Loud, Clear Voice.
‘Fire!’ he shouted, and then ticked off 2 with his pencil.
Next was: 3: Endeavour to Extinguish Fire If Possible.
Stanley went to the door and opened it. Flames and smoke billowed in. He stared at them for a moment, shook his head, and shut the door.
Paragraph 4 said: If Trapped by Fire, Endeavour to Escape. Do Not Open Doors If Warm. Do Not Use Stairs If Burning. If No Exit Presents Itself Remain Calm and Await a) Rescue or b) Death.
Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.
‘This’ll keep me safe, Mother! I’ve the knowing of the sliding rule! I can tell the sine what to do, and the cosine likewise and work out the tangent of t’quaderatics! Come one, Mother, stop fretting and come wi’ me now to t’barn. You must see ‘er!’ Mrs. Simnel, reluctant, was dragged by her son to the great open barn he had knitted out like the workshop back at Sheepridge, hoping against hope that her son had accidentally found himself a girl.
Apes had it worked out. No ape would philosophize, ‘The mountain is, and is not.’ They would think, ‘The banana is. I will eat the banana. There is no banana. I want another banana.’
Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.
And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying ‘Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?’
And the Angel said, ‘I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.’
And the Lord did not ask him again.
‘No! Please! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know!’ the man yelled.
‘Really?’ said Vimes. ‘What’s the orbital velocity of the moon?’
‘Oh, you’d like something simpler?’
‘NO. THERE IS NO MORE TIME, EVEN FOR CAKE. FOR YOU, THE CAKE IS OVER. YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF CAKE.’
* Because why not.
** From books I’ve read, since I technically haven’t gone through EVERY Pratchett novel. These also don’t include the quotes I laughed over but can’t be bothered to look for, since that would entail me undertaking a trek to the Upstairs for book perusal, which I would rather not even though it is only One Floor Up. So sue me.
*** Good Omens was a collaboration between Crowley and Aziraphale–er, Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. I would have put the entire drunken conversation between C&A, but then I realized there were too many conversations between the two throughout the entire book…
**** Saving the BEST FOR LAST. Also, I disagree, Death. THERE IS CAKE. AND THERE IS CAKE.